Helping Your Child Cope

When your child is facing a lot of stress, she may benefit from your help in figuring out how best to cope. Take the time to talk with her about the pressures she is feeling and the anxiety in her life. School-age chil­dren often find it difficult to sit down and discuss these matters. But let her know that you are interested and care, and that you would like to help. Approach each sit­uation as a problem to be solved.

You may need to put yourself in your child's place and imagine what she may be feeling. Talk about some of her behavior and displays of emotion you have noticed recently, which suggest to you that she may be struggling with some issues. Grad­ually, your efforts may help her put her feelings into words.

Help your child understand her own tem­perament. Use some guid­ing statements about observations that you have made about her. Say things like "I know you react pretty strongly to stress." Or, "You seem to prefer to take your time making decisions." This can help foster in­sight and help your child cope.

Together, you and your child should evaluate the situations or activities that are producing problems. Are there issues with friends that need to be resolved? Does she need to be reassured that, de­spite a divorce or other family disruption, she is still loved by both parents? Do you need to cut back her schedule of extracur­ricular activities or choose them more carefully?

Clarify the problems together, and iden­tify a number of possible solutions. Look at the influences that might be adding to the difficulty your child is having in adjusting to or managing the situation, and find ways in which she can change them.

If your youngster seems to have too little free time, help her modify her schedule so she can relax and play. She will probably in­crease her creativity and devise her own forms of recreation. Encourage her to use her imagination and skills to create play and pleasure. Remember, your job is not to keep her entertained; in fact, most children enjoy playtime free of the frenetic pace and the tension that usually accompany formal overscheduling.

You may also wish to protect ten to fif­teen minutes of time each day to devote solely to your child in an activity that she chooses and directs. This can promote family closeness while offering some stress-free time.

If you feel you need additional help in the area of stress management, discuss this is­sue with your child's pediatrician, who can talk to you and your child and help the fam­ily develop less stressful avenues for your youngster to pursue. In some cases, when your child is coping especially poorly and the stress is interfering with her day-to-day functioning, the doctor might refer you to a professional counselor.

You also may need to examine your own life. Children under stress often have par­ents under stress, and some of the result­ing anxiety is transferred from parent to child. If you are undergoing a personal cri­sis—a divorce, for example—or have filled your child's day with activities because you yourself are overcommitted, it may be time to make changes in your own life, eas­ing the personal stress that might have an indirect impact on your child as well.