By: Kathleen Berchelmann, MD, FAAP
They call them the "terrible 2's," "trusting 3's" and "pleasing 4's," but in reality having a 3-year-old can be harder than the 2's.
Here are 15 tips to help you learn to love parenthood again (or at least make it through the day):
- Yell less, love more: Yelling is a late defense mechanism, a technique we use when everything else fails. But yelling can hurt kids more than we realize– it might cause an immediate behavior change, but in the long run can cause real psychological harm. Rather than yelling and harsh punishment, children need positive parenting for healthy brain development. Dr. Joan Luby is a professor of child psychiatry and director of the Early Emotional Development Program at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis. Her research shows that positive parenting of toddlers in stressful situations, rather than scolding or corporal punishment, is actually associated with an increase in the size of certain areas of the brain. If you find yourself yelling at your kids too much, you need other options for discipline. Keep reading.
- Label behavior: Instead of getting angry, label behavior. I got this from Sesame Street—there's one scene where Cookie Monster is accused of lying about stealing cookies. Frustrated and upset, Cookie Monster says, "Me glutton, not liar." If Sesame Street can use words like "gluttony" to label behavior, so can I. So now we use words like "gluttony," "patience," "kindness," and "diligence." It sounded weird at first, but now I love it when my 6-year-old tells her teasing brother, "That's not kindness!"
- Be attuned to your children: The key to raising emotionally healthy children is attunement, or how well you recognize your child's needs at any given moment. Attunement, in short, is putting yourself in your child's shoes and then meeting their needs with the wisdom of a parent. Try to identify the root of your child's misbehavior– why she won't put her shoes on or why she's throwing a tantrum– then tailor your consequence appropriately. In attunement parenting, we don't just give time-out as a rote response to misbehavior. Instead, attuned parents ask "why" a child is misbehaving. When we understand the root of a child's misbehavior, we can better meet their needs, love them, and get long-term healthy behaviors.
- Give your child your full attention in frequent, small doses: If your 3-year-old is pulling your cell phone out of your hands, banging on your keyboard while you type, or knocking over all your piles of laundry, this one is for you. I know your 3-year-old wants your full attention all the time, but it's just not possible if you're trying do laundry, run errands, read your email, or otherwise have a life. So as soon as you realize your sweet thing is trying to get your attention, give her a few seconds of full attention. Look her right in the eyes, ask her some questions, and listen to the answer. Use body language that shows attention, like putting your phone down. While you listen to her answers, think of how you are going to redirect her.
- Redirect with creativity: Try to redirect early, and with a loving voice. Ask yourself, "Why is my child misbehaving? What do they really need?" Aggressive behaviors usually require physical redirection. For example, if a child is snatching toys or yelling, they might need to ride a bike outside for a while. If a child is lying on the floor and whining, they may need a little attention and some quiet activity– try reading them a book.
- Touch your 3-year-old, many times per day: Most 3-year-olds need lots of hugs and snuggles, even when you're not ready. Be ready to put your work down and hug your child, multiple times per day. Don't forget to actually say, "I love you," especially when your 3-year-old is misbehaving.
- Anticipate repeat offenders: Children, like adults, have patterns of misbehavior. They do the same wrong things again and again. Do you fight about clothes every morning, or struggle to get your 3-year-old strapped into her car seat? Know your repeat offenses, intervene early, and encourage your child to make good choices. I had a 3-year-old that liked to refuse to get strapped into her car seat, because she knew she could control the whole family– the car wouldn't move until she was strapped in. The more she refused, the angrier our other children became, and she felt powerful. So one day, on the way to the car, I said, "If everyone says, 'We love you!' three times, can I strap you into your car seat?" She said, "Ok, but you have to say it five times." We did and everyone was laughing. By giving her control of a little issue, I gained control of the whole situation.
- Set clear expectations: Write a list of family rules. For 3-year-olds, make the list short and simple. For example, 1) Use loving voices, 2) Obey Mommy and Daddy, and 3) Don't hurt other people. Discuss the rules daily, and praise successes at dinner or bedtime.
- Teach obedience: Kids aren't born obedient. We have to teach it. 3-year-olds are naturally seeking autonomy and will fight obedience. The trick is to teach kids that they want to be obedient, that they get lots of praise and positive reinforcement when they do what you say. To practice obedience, play "Simon Says," except change it to "Mommy Says," or "Daddy Says." Start with typical stuff like patting your head and clapping your hands, then transition to putting toys away.
- Praise effort, not outcome: Try to give praise ten times as often as you correct, but praise in the right way. Praise effort, not outcome. Too much praise can actually have an inverse effect on children's achievement—it can set the bar too high and lead them to fear failure. The New York Times magazine has an excellent summary of the powerful research behind this paradoxical effect.
- Get a behavior sticker chart: Stickers will never again be as powerful than when your child is 3. Enjoy it. Get a sticker chart and start keeping track of days your 3-year-old stayed in bed, kept dry underwear on all day, etc.
- Be consistent: Consistency does not mean harsh punishments or yelling, it means consistently addressing the same problem behaviors. If leaving your shoes on the floor is not OK on Monday, you can't pick them up for your child on Tuesday. That doesn't mean your 3-year-old needs a verbal lashing.
- Get on the same page with other child care providers: What positive reward systems are in place in your child's preschool classroom? What about grandma's house? If they are working outside home, try them at home, too. Rules at school and home need to be as similar as possible.
- When all else fails, resort to time-out: Don't be angry, just ask your little defiant one to go to time-out, and pick him up if he doesn't go. Make sure you identify your time-out location beforehand and try to be consistent about this location. Give one minute time out for each year of life, or tell him he's staying in until he can stop crying and be sweet. As your child kicks and screams while you carry him to time-out, just gently tell him you love him. Resist the urge to debate to speak reason. He's 3. He won't be reasonable.
- Take care of yourself: Ask for help. Talk through specific situations. Take a break. Remember that 4 is coming soon– let's hope you get a "trusting 4."
Additional Information on HealthyChildren.org:
About Dr. Berchelmann:
Kathleen Berchelmann, MD, FAAP, is a pediatrician at Mercy Children's Hospital, Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at The University of Missouri School of Medicine, and an official spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics. Kathleen and her husband are raising six children.