Every day, thousands of kids suffer the fear, shame and frustration of being bullied. More than 19% of children aged 12 to 18 say they have been targeted by peers, with a frightening number of cases happening
online.
Here's what every parent needs to know about bullying and the actions that can help stop it.
Bullying is never OK
Kids can be cruel, the old saying goes. But bullying is a next-level threat that harms children on both sides of the conflict. Research shows that bullies and their targets do poorly in school, often dropping out before earning a high-school diploma. Many face
anxiety,
depression or
substance use as adults, fueling physical health problems that feed on stress. These are just some of the reasons bullying should never be tolerated or explained away.
3 forms of childhood bullying
Physical bullying happens when a child hits, kicks, trips, pushes, chokes or otherwise hurts another child. Stealing, hiding or damaging a child's belongings is another form of physical bullying.
Verbal bullying can mean teasing, taunting, name-calling or threatening another child out loud or in writing. Repeated insults based on gender, race, sexual identity, weight, appearance and other personal traits can be part of the pattern.
Social bullying happens when two or more kids go after another child. They may try to shame and isolate their target, leaving them out of activities or spreading rumors about them. Encouraging other kids to join in can intensify the effect.
Where and when bullies might attack
Kids who bully pick the time and place carefully—both to gain attention and avoid getting caught. Beyond school, bullying can also happen in other places like the school bus or bus stop, during field trips and in places like playgrounds, gyms, pools, sports fields and even houses of worship. It can also happen in child care centers, at camp or anywhere kids gather.
The growing threat of cyberbullying
Online bullying is when kids attack their peers through texts, social media, chat rooms, gaming channels and other digital spaces.
Cyberbullies often:
Start mean rumors or pass them along
Reveal a child's private information (doxing)
Post embarrassing pictures or videos
Steal passwords and lock kids out of their own accounts
Use artificial intelligence (AI) to make and share humiliating images or memes
Kids who are more vulnerable to bullying
Bullying is often about power. Young bullies may try to seem more important by picking on others who seem different.
Physical & mental differences
Children with larger or smaller bodies, for example, are often targeted. So are kids from different racial, ethnic, social or religious backgrounds, Physical differences, whether from birth defects, injuries or other causes can also make a child more vulnerable. So can intellectual disabilities like Down syndrome, or traits like extreme shyness or social anxiety.
Gender, sexual orientation & more
Female children are bullied more often than males in the U.S. They're also more likely to face harmful comments about their bodies or be the target of sexual jokes meant to embarrass them.
Kids who identify as LGBTQ face even greater risks. According to a survey from the Trevor Project, nearly two-thirds of LGBTQ middle schoolers and almost half of high schoolers say they’ve been bullied either in person or online.
Where a child lives can also play a role. Research shows that kids in small towns and rural areas are bullied more often than those in cities or suburbs.
Kids who are likely to bully others
Some kids bully because they want to feel powerful or in control. They might feel like they don’t have enough power in other parts of their life. This may include kids who:
- Love to be in charge of others. They may secretly worry about
popularity and social standing and constantly look for ways to stay on top.
- Feel isolated, angry or anxious and may be extra sensitive to pressure or criticism from peers. They may struggle to understand social rules or feel empathy for others. They often lack a sense of belonging, and sometimes they bully to try to connect with others (even if it's in a hurtful way).
- Have
been bullied themselves. Victims often turn into aggressors after they've been attacked, possibly to gain back a sense of power.
Other traits that can lead to bullying:
- Quick tempers and aggressive behavior: Kids who tend to get angry easily or act out in rough ways may be more likely to bully.
- Viewing violence in positive ways: If a child sees fighting or hurting others as a way to solve problems, they might be more likely to bully.
- Having friends who bully: They may join in to fit in or avoid being bullied themselves.
- Having a hard time following rules or respecting limits can lead to bullying.
- Witnessing bullying or violence: Kids often learn from what they see, especially in role models. If someone they look up to uses bullying or violence, kids may copy that behavior.
Possible signs that your child has been bullied
Some of these possible signs of being bullied, below, could stem from other forms of trauma. But if you notice them in your child, you should have a non-judgemental conversation:
Headaches or stomachaches
Change in eating habits
Hating or avoiding school or other places they interact with peers
Lower grades than usual
Self-harm or talk of suicide
Bruises, cuts or other injuries they can't explain
Lost or destroyed phones, jewelry, clothing, books, etc.
Trouble going to or staying sleeping or frequent nightmares
Sudden loss of friends, or seeming stressed by friendships that once brought them joy
Shying away from social situations
How to help your child deal with bullying
Listen to them first.
Ask them exactly what happened and when. Listen with love and reaffirm that you are there to help them find solutions. Keep in mind that a child may not be ready to share because they feel embarrassed or ashamed. Let them know that they can
talk with to you when they're ready.
Without judgement, hear the child's perspective. Ask questions like, "Can you tell me more?" and "What was that like for you?" By listening, you can help them heal, process and validate that it was hard. You are not fixing anything yet.
Practice empowering ways to react.
Show your child how to look the aggressor in the eye, stand still and then calmly walk away. (This takes a lot of courage, so offer to rehearse with them until it feels natural.)
You can practice the "Stop-walk-talk" strategy with your child:
Stop: Tell the bully to stop in a firm voice ("Not cool," or "Enough.")
Walk: Walk away calmly and with confidence.
Talk: Tell a trusted adult who can help you.
Add strong words.
Asking a bully, "Why would you do (or say) that?" can weaken their sense of power in the moment. Other responses: "I'll talk to you, but I'm not going to fight." "I'm not afraid to get help if you don't stop."
Shut down online bullies.
Cyberbullying is
against the law in all 50 states, and most school districts have strong rules against it.
This article explains how to work with your child to shut down bullies who target the online.
Encourage friendships.
Kids with healthy friend groups to support them are less vulnerable to bullies. If they don't have many friends at school, explore local groups where they can meet kids their age. Encourage sports, clubs, playdates and hangouts.
Know when to get other adults involved.
You might feel tempted to call the bully's parents or rush over to meet with the principal. Focus first on helping them feel more powerful in the situation. If the bullying doesn't stop, do seek help from school leaders, counselors, teachers, coaches and others, including your pediatrician.
How to stop your child from bullying others
If you see signs that your child is hurting, shaming or excluding someone, take action right away. They will need your support in learning new ways to treat others. Require them to treat others with respect—even kids they might dislike or disagree with.
Make sure your child understands
what bullying is and why it's wrong.
Set firm, consistent limits on hurtful words or actions.
Model kindness and tolerance in your dealings with others.
Discipline them in
non-physical ways that don't encourage aggression. Use ppositive discipline strategies that teach responsibility and empathy.
Stay close to the situation so you can see progress. Be sure to praise them when they show kindness and appropriate behavior.
You can also explore with the child possible reasons why they are bullying. You may find out they are experiencing trauma (hurt people hurt), for example. If that's the case, talk with their pediatrician or a mental health provider for support. Many kids need professional help changing negative actions that have become habits.
Encourage your child to stand up for others
Make sure your child feels empowered to act when a bully attacks another child. Here are tips to share and discuss.
- Don't just watch. This gives bullies the attention they crave.
- Help the targeted child. You can do this by saying "Stop!" and helping the child walk away.
- Call out an online attack. Block or unfriend the bully and express your support for the child who's been hurt. Don't forward or "like" posts meant to bully someone.
- Get help from a trusted adult. Seeking help for someone who's been attacked is not tattling. It's an act of courage, caring and safety.
- Be a friend. Help kids who've been bullied by being kind to them. They'll feel less alone—and it sends the message that bullying is never okay.
Remember
Bullying isn't just "kids being kids." It's a problem that all parents, caregivers, teachers and school leaders must take seriously. A community approach is the best way to ensure that all kids feel safe wherever they go. Learn more at
StopBullying.gov.
More information