Divorce and Separation: How to Help Your Child Adjust

Try these suggestions:

• Never force your child to take sides. Every child will have loyalties to both parents. Children naturally love both their parents, and they know that parts of each parent go into making them.
  
  
• Talk about concerns with your child’s other parent in private. Make sure your child cannot overhear your conversations. Also, avoid fighting in front of your child and make sure your child cannot hear you. This step includes making phone calls, texts and other forms of electronic communication private.
  
  
• Do not involve your child in arguments between the two of you. Do not let your child get caught in the middle of custody and child support disagreements. If you are having custody disagreements, consider contacting a mediator to help settle them. Mediators can be found by contacting a lawyer or family court. For questions about child support, visit the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Office of Child Support Enforcement website at www.acf.hhs.gov/css/parents.
  
  
• Do not criticize each other in front of your child or when your child might overhear you. If this type of criticism happens, explain to your child that when people get angry they sometimes say things that are hurtful.
  
  
• Don’t make your child the messenger. Whether the matter involves scheduling, picking up items from the other house, or finances, find a way to communicate directly with your co-parent. If your child is put in the middle and something goes wrong, they can easily feel at fault.
  
  
• Discuss your concerns and feelings with your child's other parent when and where your child cannot hear. Avoid fighting in front of your child.
  

Tips to help your child adjust

There are many things you can do to help your child adjust to the changes in your family.

Talk with your child early and often.

The earlier you tell your child what is happening and the more often you talk, the more comfortable he will feel. Also, allow your child to share their fears, worries and feelings with you. This can help make them feel safe and special.

When talking with your child about the separation or divorce, follow these guidelines:

• Be completely honest and open about what is going to happen. Talk about the separation or divorce in simple terms. For example, "Your dad and I are having some trouble getting along," or "Your mother and I are thinking we may need to live apart from each other."
  
  
• Make sure your child knows the divorce is not their fault. Also tell them that they can't fix the problems or make the two of you stay together. Reassure your child that you love them and will not leave them.
  
  

• Try not to blame your ex-partner or show your anger. Explain that parents sometimes need to live separately. This step includes never telling your child the specifics of what happened to cause the separation unless your child already knows or a serious safety issue is involved—for example, domestic violence, criminal activity or drug dependence.
  

• Be patient with questions. You do not need to have all the answers. Sometimes just carefully listening to your child is more helpful than talking. Follow­ing are questions your child might ask:
  
  
• Why are you getting divorced or separated?
  
  
• Will you ever get back together again?
  
  
• Where am I going to live?
  
  
• Will we have to move?
  
  
• Will I need to change schools?
  
  
• Was the divorce my fault?
  
  
• How often will I see (the other parent)?
  
  
• Are we going to have less money?

Reassure your child that they are safe and loved. If needed, don't hesitate to get help from your pediatrician or a family counselor.

Allow your child to be a child.

Resist using your child to replace your former partner. Avoid putting pressure onto your child with statements such as "You are the man/woman in the family now" or "Now I have to depend on you." Children have a right to enjoy childhood and grow up at a typical pace. As they grow older, they will be able to take on more responsibility and help around the house. Don’t expect too much too soon.

Respect the relationship between your child and the other parent.

It is important to let your children show their love to both parents. Unless your ex-spouse is unfit to parent, try not to let your differences keep your children away from them. Children should be allowed to spend time with their other parent without feeling guilty. Reassure your children that you both still love them even though they may only be living with one parent at a time.

Keep your child's daily routine.

Try to keep your child's routine, friends, school, and environment as unchanged as possible. Schedule meals, chores and bedtime at regular times so that your child knows what to expect each day. Parents living separately should agree on a set of consistent rules for both households. It is also very important to live up to your promises to visit or spend time with your child. A routine weekly or monthly schedule may be comforting to your child.

Be aware of different reactions.

Reactions to a separation or divorce can vary depending on your child’s age, gender, temperament, past experiences, and family support. Following are typical ways that your child may react. If any of these behaviors become excessive, talk with your child’s doctor.

Preschool-aged children may:

Adolescents may:

Accept help from others.

Children often turn to neighbors, grandparents and friends for comfort and attention. These relationships can offer support and can be very helpful to children as they adjust to a separation or divorce. Teachers or school social workers should be made aware of a change in the family so they can let you know if any problems arise in school. It's also important for your child's school to know who to contact for permission for special activities or in an emergency.

Separation and divorce is not always easy for parents either. Don't be afraid to see a counselor if you are having trouble adjusting to a divorce. It is important for parents to stay healthy so they can be available to their children during this difficult time. Social agencies, mental health centers, women's centers and support groups for divorced or single parents are helpful. There are also many informative books and articles about divorce for both parents and children.

Remember

Your pediatrician is very aware of the effects that separation and divorce may have on emotions and behavior. They can help you find ways to cope with the stress you and your children are feeling.