During a baby's earliest months, they spend much of each day watching and listening to the people around them. They’re learning who comforts them, who feeds them and who helps them feel safe. At first, they experiment with simple grins and grimaces. By the second month, these early expressions begin to turn into genuine signals of pleasure and friendliness.
Your baby's first true smile
If you've experienced your baby's first true smile, then you know it's a major turning point for both of you. All the sleepless nights and erratic days of these first weeks suddenly seem worthwhile, and you'll do everything in your power to keep those smiles coming.
For their part, your baby will suddenly discover that just by moving their lips they can have "conversations" with you. Smiling will also give them another way besides crying to express their needs and exert control over what happens to them.
The more engaged they are with you and your smiles and the rest of the world around them, the more their brain development advances, and the more they'll be distracted from internal sensations (hunger, gas, fatigue) that once strongly influenced their behavior.
Your baby's increasing socialization is further proof they enjoy these new experiences. Expanding their world with these experiences is fun for both of you and important to their overall development.
Holding your gaze
At first your baby may seem to smile past you without meeting your gaze, but don't let this disturb you. Looking away from you gives them some control and protects them from being overwhelmed. It's their way of taking in the total picture without being "caught" by your eyes. In this way, they can pay equal attention to your facial expressions, your voice, your body warmth and the way you're holding them.
As you get to know each other, your baby will gradually hold your gaze for longer and longer periods; you'll find ways to increase their tolerance—perhaps by holding them at certain distances, adjusting your voice level or modifying your expressions.
Like adults, your infant will prefer certain people, often their primary caretakers. Grandparents or familiar sitters may receive a hesitant smile at first, followed by coos and body talk. By contrast, strangers may receive no more than a curious stare or fleeting smile. This selective behavior shows they're starting to sort out who's who in their life.
Smile "conversations" with siblings
At about 3 or 4 months old, they'll become intrigued by other children. If they have siblings, you'll see your baby beaming as their brothers or sisters talk to them. This fascination with children will increase as your baby gets older.
These early exchanges play an important part in your baby's social and emotional development. By responding quickly and enthusiastically to their smiles and engaging them in these "conversations," you'll let them know three things: that they are important to you, that they can trust you, and that they have a certain amount of control in their life.
By recognizing their cues when they're "talking," you'll also show you are interested in and value them. This contributes to their developing self-esteem.
How your baby communicates 3 levels of needs
As your baby grows, communication will vary with their needs and desires. On a day-to-day basis you'll find they have 3 general levels of need, each of which shows a different side of their personality:
- When their needs are urgent—hunger or pain, for instance—they'll let you know. They may do this by screaming, whimpering or using desperate body language. In time you'll learn to recognize these signals so quickly you usually can satisfy your baby almost before they know what they want.
- When your baby is peacefully asleep, or alert and entertaining themself, you've met all their needs for the moment. This is a welcome opportunity to rest or take care of other business. Playing on their own provides you with wonderful opportunities to observe—from a distance—how your baby is developing important new skills such as reaching, tracking objects or using their hands.
These activities set the stage for self-soothing, which will help them settle down and ultimately sleep through the night. These are especially important skills to learn for more colicky or difficult-to-console babies.
- Each day there will be periods when your baby's obvious needs are met but they're still fussy or fitful. They may whine, have agitated movements or show spurts of aimless activity between moments of calm. They probably won't even know what they want, and any of several responses might help calm them.
Playing, talking, singing, rocking and walking may help. Simply repositioning them or letting them fuss it out may also be a successful strategy. This is okay as long as you have checked to make sure they don’t need to be changed or fed, and that nothing else is bothering them.
You might also find that while a particular response works momentarily, they'll soon become even fussier and demand more attention. This cycle may continue until you either let them cry a few minutes or distract them with something different—for example, taking them outside.
When your baby won't stop crying
There may be times, however, when you feel frustrated, even angry, when your baby will not stop crying. People may not always talk about these feelings, but they are completely normal. The best thing to do here is gently place your baby back in the crib and take a little break for yourself.
It is most important you resist any temptation to shake or strike your baby in any way. The danger from shaking your baby is great and can cause them serious damage. "Shaken baby" situations are one form of child abuse that continues to be a problem around the world.
If crying difficulties remain an issue, discuss this in detail with your pediatrician. They can give you other ideas for how to get through these episodes. Be sure you share these new techniques for quieting your infant with your childcare provider, who may feel similar frustrations with inconsolable crying.
Remember that it gets better
Over time your baby will be able to entertain themselves for longer stretches. In part this is because you’re learning to anticipate care for many of their problems. But also their nervous system will be maturing, and as a result, they’ll be better at coping with everyday stresses.
With greater bodily control, they’ll amuse and console themselves and experience fewer frustrations. The periods when they seem most difficult to satisfy probably won’t disappear for a few years, but as they become more active, it will be easier to distract them. In the end, they should learn to overcome these spells on their own.
Helping your baby feel secure & loved
During these early months, don’t worry about "spoiling" your baby. Observe them closely and respond promptly when needed. You may not calm them every time, but it never hurts to show how much you care. At this age, they need frequent reassurance to feel secure about themselves and you.
By helping them gain this sense of security now, you’re laying a foundation for the confidence and trust that will allow them to gradually separate from you and become a strong, independent person.
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